Chasing the Horizon

 Overcast day on the coast of Maine

Overcast day on the coast of Maine

Of late...

I have felt aimless, a lack of purpose to what I am doing and confusion as to where I am going. My depression has reared its ugly head once again, filling my mind with ill thoughts of ill intent toward myself. One thing my depression has been good for is an excuse, an enemy to blame for my lack of fulfillment. I will tell myself that everything is fine and that all the doom and gloom is just in my head. And while there is truth to that I feel I lean too heavily upon such an idea as an excuse for feeling content where I am.

 
 My aunt and two younger cousins looking out to sea

My aunt and two younger cousins looking out to sea

 

Horizon

Here I stand on this barren beach at the edge of the water. The sand, rocks, washed up shells and seaweed all familiar sights. The land is known, it is safe, but I am unhappy here. Looking out to the sea little can be seen. The overcast sky falls down as a mist, engulfing my surroundings and obscuring the horizon. Now it is just a blur. I want to step forward into the tide, to sail out into the open sea. Instead my feet stay planted, sinking deeper into the sand, cementing my place on the beach. If not for the mist I would surely venture out, being able to see and know with certainty what lies ahead. On clearer days, in times past, I would climb up high to hill tops and mountain peaks and look out over the land. There lies the horizon, a line across the earth to mark the finish. There is where I must go. A destination of destiny, where I am meant to be. So further on I journey, day and night toward the horizon. And finally here I stand on this beach, looking out to the sea. It seems as though I have been standing for years waiting for the mist to clear, to finally lift so I may continue chasing the horizon.

Reflection

And therein lies the issue, the flaw in my thinking. A belief in something intangible and non-existent. Never will I reach the horizon. Never will I know where it leads. So long as I continue chasing, the horizon will continue to flee. The journey, this life, is not about the end. It is not about finding the finish, crossing the line at the end of the race. There is no finish line, no ultimate happiness, no solution to solve all problems. So why let the mist stop me? I fear a lack of certainty, but it is a certainty I never had.

Embrace uncertainty. Embrace the unknown. Sticking to certainty is staying in place, remaining stagnant and unmoving, sinking deeper into the sand, feet cemented to the beach. Evolution is survival. Where it leads, no one knows because life is not a straight line, not a carved out path with a set point A and B. But if you stand in fear, looking forward to what could be, your life is not lived. Living life is taking one step forward and then hitting repeat, chasing the horizon to wherever it may lead.

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